OUCH!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I just stepped on a bunch of rusty tacks I used to do voodoo love spells on Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm gonna get occult tetanus. OMG...

Problem Neighbors

My new neighbor had the audacity to corner me recently and demand that I give him the use of my garage. He tells me that he can't afford Public Storage so he expects me to give him my garage. First of all, deadbeat, if you can't afford Public Storage, what in hell makes you think you can afford what I'd charge you for the garage? What kind of white trash motherfucker does that, anyway? (apologies to the other "white trash" people of higher moral fiber).

To me, that's like going up to a perfect stranger and asking, "Hey, douche, can I get your social security number? My credit's bad and you look like yours is better."

This guy is even more of a deadbeat than the last crazy person that rented that apartment. And that woman was an admitted crackhead.

I sometimes think my landlady is doing this on purpose. Of all the people who wanted to rent that unit, she gives it away to a shady loser in foreclosure with no manners and poor moral fiber.
Way to go, Rosemarie.

Beach Bums

I don't really understand the culture of beach bums. You see, I'm more of an "English countryside" kind of gal, myself. I adore trees and pretty flowers and lush greenery. I like being able to look out to a pleasing vista and see all kinds of hills and mountains.

But it seems like everyone in Los Angeles is obsessed with the beach. I don't get that. I'm not mad at it, either. I'm just saying it's kind of weird.

I thought about buying a turkey today, but decided against it. Here's why: I will cook a bunch of food for myself--food that I don't even really like in the first place--just for the sake of saying I did it. Then, I will sit in my house, disgusted with myself for having wasted the money and for the harsh smells pouring from my refrigerator.

At least that's what happens whenever I order pizza. I don't like meat. I should quit it again--COLD TURKEY.

(Wow, that joke was corny, even for me.)

Soap-Box Statement of the Day

I understand that polygamists are supposedly tied to a number of practices that are allegedly unfair and harmful to women and children. For that reason, I am pro police and local authority interest in their doings.

HOWEVER, if a first marriage is the only one recognized by law, then why can't people just keep marrying and marrying as they see fit? Because all the other ones won't go on the books anyway, so what does it matter?

I find man-law quite confusing at times...

Happy Birthday to Ned Freeman and Andy Weenig

Y'all are gettin' old...

(I'm just sayin')

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, I better enjoy this year while I can. It's my last year as part of the MTV generation.

Next year, I move into a different demographic filled with bitter old hags. Mazel tov!